


still alive

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crying, F/M, Keith trying to be sneaky, he's not good at that, home is where the heart is kids, post episode 6 of season 4, shock over near death experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 15:06:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12435324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He's only here to see them, nothing else. He’d be in and out, making sure they never knew he was there.But any hope he had for a stealthy visit is ruined the moment he walks right into Allura as she leaves the Blue Lion’s hangar.





	still alive

**Author's Note:**

> i was thinking about how Allura might react to Keith trying to sacrifice himself for everyone. this went in a bit of a different direction than how i intended it to but i think it turned out alright

Keith’s heart hasn’t stopped pounding since that moment, bumping incessantly against the inside of his chest, as if to say _I’m alive, I’m alive_. He's long since found his way to the castle, though he's not eager to confront Lotor about his stake in their cause, now that he’d so magnanimously saved Keith, along with this third of the universe, from certain death. No, Keith is far more interested in seeing the people who had been on his mind the most during that moment.

He's only here to see them, nothing else. He’d be in and out, making sure they never knew he was there.

But any hope he has for a stealthy visit is ruined the moment he walks right into Allura as she leaves the Blue Lion’s hangar. She lets out a surprised huff, barely moving an inch, while Keith bounces off of her paladin armor, stumbling back a few steps. He almost loses his balance if not for Allura reaching out instinctively to steady him.

“Keith! Are you alright?” Allura’s face scrunches up with momentary concern before her features come alight with confusion. “Wait, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with the Blade?” Her mouth is downturned and her brow creased as she observes Keith steadily. Neither of her inquiries receive an answer as Keith stands there, completely unwilling to divulge why he _needs_ to be here.

**_The Marmora can go on without you. They have for thousands of years. Voltron cannot. We cannot._ **

He knew he should be saying something, anything, to dispel the tight look on her face, the worry swimming in her eyes, but the incessant beating of his heart behind his ribcage, _I’m alive, I’m alive_ , keeps any words he could conjure locked up tight inside him. He should be saying words but he _can’t,_ not with her words still ringing in his head, not with the weight of what he tried to do, what he was _fully prepared to do_ , hanging down on his shoulders.

“Keith?”

A heavier weight, in the form of a comforting hand on his shoulder, settles on him. And while he can carry the burden of his own actions, of the meaning behind them, the unspoken message they would have sent, he cannot carry this weight. Not so soon, not when his heart was still desperately reminding him, _I’m alive, I’m alive_ , not when Allura is gazing at him with such a heartfelt expression of concern and caring, something he’d longed for but hadn’t had, not since before Shiro had disappeared-

And all at once he broke.

Allura let out another huff, this time from the sudden weight of Keith leaning so heavily against her that she stumbles a step, before bracing herself and steadying him gently with an arm around his back. Keith breathes in a shuddering breath, unable to keep his emotions under control, unable to fight the ache in his jaw and the stinging in his eyes. Unable to tame the wild beating of his heart in his chest, _I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, but what for?_

Keith lets out a broken sob.

Allura jolts, as if shocked that such a sound could come from Keith. He was a bit shocked himself, usually so good at keeping it all under wraps, building up walls and pushing things back before he could get hurt. Another sob escapes him, and Allura stays quiet only for a moment before speaking up.

“Keith, are you alright? What’s wrong, are you injured?” Keith shakes his head violently, back and forth, his dark hair brushing against the hands that are clutching desperately at Allura’s paladin armor. “If you are not injured, then what is the matter? Did something happen?” Keith stills, shuddering and crying quietly. Then, slowly but surely, he nods, a small tilt of his head, but Allura still catches it, still takes it for the tentative answer that it is. She seems to pause, as if in thought, before speaking up again, voice low and calm, as if talking to a startled animal.

“Would you like to tell me what happened? It is alright if you do not.” Keith’s first reaction is to reject that notion entirely. But the more he thinks on it, the more he realizes that some of his moments of greatest comfort had been confiding in Shiro. And since Shiro was acting off lately, Keith had been less inclined to confide in him like he used to, late at night when the others were asleep and his anxiety wouldn’t let him close his eyes long enough to even dream of sleep.

But Allura is here, and she had given him every reason to believe that she has his best interest and well-being in mind, despite any previous impressions he may have had of their...friendship?

He's not sure what to call it now.

But that's a can of worms for another time, when he isn't breaking down in Allura’s arms. He shifts on his feet a bit and leans closer to Allura unconsciously, seeking the strength and stability in her embrace. Letting out a shuddering sigh, Keith prepares himself to recount what had happened, to tell her exactly why he was acting so pathetic and useless right then.

And he did. He told her how, despite their efforts, the Coalition and the Blade were making no headway against the Galra battle cruiser's shields. How he had heard Lance, desperate but doubtful that Voltron would make it in time to help. How Keith had come to the conclusion that the only other way he could be helpful right then was to try and take out the shield by unconventional means.

Sometime during Keith’s explanation, they had both found themselves seated on the ground, backs against the wall, sides pressed together and knees brushing with every soft movement. The pressure against his side was grounding, kept the ball rolling when Keith thought he was out of steam. He focuses on it, focuses on the comforting presence of another human being, wanting and willing to listen, _really listen_ to him. But by the end of his recounting, Keith is emotionally spent, and Allura’s face holds a look of horror and concern that he wishes he hadn’t put there.

“Keith…” she begins slowly, voice quiet in a way he had never heard before. “Do you think so little of yourself and your importance to us that you would so quickly give your life?” She sounds aghast, as if the idea that Keith would place the value of their mission, _to save the universe_ , above his own life, is something absurd.

“I...yeah, I guess I do…” Keith sighs shakily. “I guess I was around the Marmora enough that what they said stuck around.” He chuckles, a hollow sound that is devoid of any joy or mirth. “The mission is more important than the individual. One life, for millions, if not _billions_. It seemed logical to me at the time…” Keith trails off, looking back up at Allura, who is studying him intensely. Her brow is creased deeply, her eyes swimming with something unidentifiable, but so undeniably intense that Keith has to look away.

“Keith.” He stares at a spot across the hall intently, not turning to face her. “Keith.” This time more forceful, but not upset like he expected. He glances over at Allura briefly. She was still watching him. “Keith.” This one is accompanied by a hand on his, gently placed as a way to hold his attention, to signal to him that she was there still. He finally looks up, and feels a bit like he did when he almost suffocated in space.

Allura’s eyes are sparkling with unshed tears, but there’s a look so fierce in her eyes that Keith almost looks away, if not for the way she holds his gaze, willing him to listen, to focus on her.

“Keith, do you remember what I said to you, in the hallway after your failed mission with the Blade?” Keith remembers it clearly, still hears the words she spoke etched on his mind like an accusation. He nods slowly, not wanting to break whatever moment is happening by saying something stupid. Allura nods knowingly, as if she had already anticipated his answer.

“I told you that Voltron cannot go on without you.” He nods again, this time smaller and more reluctant in his motion. “Do you understand what that means?” Keith wants to nod again, to do anything to move past this subject, but he can't, not when her eyes are on him like that. When Keith doesn't respond, Allura sighs, quietly, eyes closing momentarily, before opening and fixing themselves on Keith again.

“That does not mean that Voltron cannot be formed or operated without you. Your time with the Blade has proven otherwise.” Allura becomes quieter, shifts a little bit closer to him. “It means that we care for you, Keith.” She looks down, chewing on her lip slightly as if thinking about what to say next. “That _I_ care for you, Keith.” When she looks back up, her gaze is softer, gentler, more vulnerable. “I do not pretend to know if you feel the same, but I will not sit by and let you believe that you do not have a place here with Voltron, or that your life is worth less because you are no longer piloting a lion.” Allura brings a hand up to cup Keith’s face gently, tender and soft in their handling, but belying a strength beneath them that Keith has seen on many occasions. “You do have a place here, Keith, _a home_ here, where there are people who care about you.” She pauses, brushing her thumb against his cheek. “People who love you.” Keith pretends not to notice when her voice breaks, instead opting to close his eyes and lean into her touch.

“I know.” He whispers, voice trembling in a way that makes Keith feel small and helpless.

“Then come back home, Keith. Come back to us.” Allura is pleading now, no longer trying to hide the desperate tone in her voice, the longing and concern. “Come back to me.”

Keith takes in a shuddering breath, feeling himself slowly break down all the walls he had built up, feeling them crumble underneath the weight of the palm against his cheek.

“Okay.” He mumbles quietly, before he can lose his resolve. “I’ll come home.”

Allura’s smile is graceful and small, relieved and trembling just a bit, but it might as well have been blinding to Keith. He can feel the familiar ache in his jaw and prick behind his eyes, but he thinks that if Allura can handle him sobbing and broken, at his worst, then a few more tears will be alright.

  
HIs heart is still pounding, _I’m alive, I’m alive,_ but he thinks, as he sits there with Allura, wrapped in her arms, that being alive is alright.


End file.
